jenniferynguyen

Why do I feel so lonely?

I need to hurry up and finish my personal statement. I need to hurry up and finish this semester. I want to go on break already. I want to go to a nice university and rent an apartment with a wonderful roommate that can possibly become my best friend. It's so lonely not having a best friend to talk to. There is something about me that makes me so aloof from other girls. I am always thinking about being with my boyfriend that I'm unable to find a best friend and spend time together with her. It would be nice to have a girl I can be so comfortable with and we would love each other no matter what. We would be there for each other always and talk about everything and grow together. I have no one to share the same feelings that I have with.

I have Robert but now I understand what he meant when he needed a guy best friend and that it wasn't the same. He's right. It's so lonely like this.

I am watching too much of NANA. It's making me think about life so much. But it's so hard not to watch it because I really feel for her, Nana. She reminds me so much of myself.

2010/06/18 | 20:07

Yesterday, sensei took us to go visit the KBC TV station. KBC stands for Kyushu Broadcasting and it broadcasts to the entire Kyushu island. They were actually on air when we got there, so a man who was previously a news reporter took us to go see how TV shows were aired. It was pretty interesting the way everything worked. Most of the time, the videos are pre-recorded and the hosts talk over the video to make it seem more live. In the upper floor, we saw the control room where we were introduced to the way a broadcast actually airs. There is actually a person assigned to pick which camera to play and which people to show. There were five hosts but in Asian television, it has a game show style where people's expressions are shown along with the video and there is a person that selects which person to show. There are always at least four cameras at work during each program. I have always wondered how different cameras worked together at the same time and which camera is shown. I also learned how news reporters report news. It's a pretty amazing trick. You know how news reporters always have papers in front of them but never read it? Well, there is actually a camera that points downward directly at the papers, and then the camera directs that recording of the papers into a television screen in front of the news reporter where they can read the papers without actually looking at it. Anyway, I thought that was pretty neat. The weather forecasters stood in front of a blue screen and the actual recordings were projected onto another screen in front of the weather forecaster and that is how they know the placement of everything. We also heard how radios were broadcasted. Although there are live MCs, they also have previously recorded material to play so that MCs can rest. Radio broadcasts usually last three hours but this is how MCs get their rest. In another floor, there was the actual news gathering. I thought the people in this building were having such a boring time gathering news. The entire atmosphere wasn't fun at all unlike the other floors. Actually, it didn't seem like the radio broadcasters were having much fun either. KBC TV was a cool place to be but the only place I really enjoyed was the on air television broadcast. It seems really fun to be working in that kind og environment. They were showing FIFA teams and the hosts went to many different ethnic restaurants and ate many styles of foods from Spain, Germany, and France.

Next, we went to a Distaster Prevention Center. There we got to experience life threatening situations. The first one was how to put out a fire using a fire extinguisher. They told us a fire extinguisher only lasts 15 seconds so we have to be smart and fast. They let us use a water and air fire extinguisher to practice. When they yelled KAJIDA!(FIRE!) we had to run and use the extinguisher to put out the fire. I was pretty fast. The next group failed to put out the fire and had to escape, lmao. Second, we experienced a 7.0 earthquake. It was a simulation and it was really strong. Supposedly it can tear a street up. I felt the safest method was to just not move or else I would lose my balance and hit my head. We also had to remember to turn off the stove or the gas would cause a fire. It was really neat learning all these small things. Third, we experienced a typhoon. They told us to wear protective goggles but even with them on, the typhoon was so strong it didn't feel like I was being protected. Lastly, we had to go into a dark maze room and find the exit during a fire. They simulated smoke and it smelled soooo bad! I learned that if you breathe in even once, the ashes could permanently damage your lungs. They told us to find any cloth and put it to our mouth and nose, and if there wasn't any, use the clothes we are wearing such as the collar of a shirt. I felt that going to this Disaster Prevention Center was a really useful and I think many people can benefit from going to one.

The rest of the day, we stayed in Tenjin for a while and went to Mandarake which is an Anime shop, and shopped at the Tenjin Core which is a gigantic shopping plaza/mall. At Mandarake, I bought Cory something I hope he'll like. At Tenjin Core, I shopped at the 390 yen store and bought two pairs of shoes, a cute hat, and sunglasses.

Today, we went to Lively House. At first I thought it was going to be some cool place like the House of Blues but it is actually a place where retired persons meet to eat and dance. We had curry rice, fruits, salad, and this really delicious firm tofu. They taught us how to do a really easy traditional Japanese dance, too. They also dressed me up in a yukata/kimono. I felt so beautiful! The lady that lent me the yukata also gave me a hankerchief as a present and when I told her I was meaning to buy one, she was so happy. The people wanted to see modern dances too, so Richard did some freestyle and Aba did salsa. It was actually funner than I had imagined going there. After Lively House, we stopped by tenjin and I bought my own yukata!! I had originally wanted a dark one, but since I couldn't find the perfect black/purple one I almost gave up, but I found an even more beautiful light one! It has a light background with purple and pink flowers. I got purple/pink Obi ribbon with it too! It was a set that included traditional shoes as well. I am hoping to wear my beautiful yukata to the Farewell Party that the Kyushu Sangyo University staff and students are having for us.

It was raining the past few days, and today I wanted to stay in Tenjin and shop more but my shoes were soaked. I am at the computer lab right now but after this I am heading to the billards place to hang out with my group. I have only a little more than a week left and I haven't had the chance to hang out with Ikumi and Hiroki for a second time. I hope next week I will be able to spend everyday hanging out with them since I won't see them again for a long time. I will post pictures again once I get a USB flash drive! Tomorrow sensei says we are going to the beach, but it is raining so I don't know if anyone is swimming. I don't have a bathing suit and I hope I don't have to wear one or buy a new one.　There, we will have "the finest cuisine in Japan" says sensei and also near there is an outdoors onsen (hot springs) that is supposed to be natural and I am pretty excited.

I love you Robert Do and wish I could see the video you sent me.<3

2010/06/16 | 9:35pm

I have ten days left in Fukuoka. I can’t believe how fast everything all went. One month never felt so short. The people I have gone with have become very close to me and we treat each other like brothers and sisters. We joke around a lot, poke fun at one another, and help each other out when times are rough. Our last night in Tsushima was very memorable to me. It was the night we stayed up late trying to spend every possible minute together. We never did have the chance to get so close before because our dorms made us independent of one another, but that night in Tsushima we had just eaten a fantastic dinner and all the boys drank their hearts out. We walked back together in the rain to spend our last night in Tsushima care free and mostly, together. Tucker had drunk the most and loosened up so much he began blabbering about anything. Omar and most of us had finally realized that Abe is in fact gay, but unlike everyone else Omar was the slowest to pick it up. Omar was telling his ghost story but stopped mid-sentence to point at Abe and blurt out, “You’re gay?!” We all had a good laugh at that. Tucker then picked up from Omar and began crusading Abe for not making it clear about his homosexuality. We then started talking about each other’s snoring/sleep talking. Most of us were dying of laughter.

The first person I got to know on the trip was Victor Aguilar. After arriving at Narita airport, we took the Shinkansen/bullet train to Ikebukuro in Tokyo. It was a two-hour trip and Victor happened to have to the seat next to me. I was very curious about the lifestyle in Japan and incidentally I learned that Victor had been to Japan numerous times (it was his fifth time) and had already been immersed in Japanese society and even had friends living in Japan. The entire time I asked him about everything I could think of about Japan. Victor is the oldest out of all of us, but is very laid-back. He jokes around a lot and acts younger than his age. He pokes fun of everyone, even makes fun of himself a lot, and his personality makes everyone feel more at ease. He is very frank about things. For me, I feel that I can just joke around and have fun around Victor because he acts like a cool older brother.

The second person I got to know was Colin Tucker. He was actually in my class last semester but we never really talked because we didn’t sit nearby. Tucker is also very frank and he points out how silly everything I say is. He repeats what I say in a silly girly voice. Besides that, Tucker is very honest and isn’t nice to be polite. He is polite when he thinks someone deserves it and he puts someone on blast if they are a jerk. One time before class, my brother was being very rude to me and Tucker says to him, “Wow, what a horrible brother you are even though your sister does so much for you. Grow up.” I really appreciate what he did/does. He offers to carry my extremely heavy bags when everyone else just doesn’t bother asking to help me. I feel that he is also my older brother, the one that is true to himself and everyone else around him. If he thinks I am being stupid, he will say it. I feel that really helps me realize how I come off to other people and allows me to become less ridiculous and a more mature person.

The third person is Eric Kim. He is Korean and I consider him my younger brother. He is very childish and even his mentality is just all fun and games. He is chubby and I pretend to beat him up a lot. He never takes it seriously and most of the time he accompanies me to visit and hang out with my other Japanese friends. He is good to have around because he is the mediator between me and my brother when arguments arise. He was my brother’s roommate when we stayed at the hotels and at the temple so he is the only one who really understands how my brother acts and I guess my brother is closest to him as well and therefore the person he will listen to most. Anyway, because he is so childish he makes everything a little more fun. He doesn’t drink so he is a naturally fun person.

The fourth person is Abraham Balderas aka Abe. He is gay and understands me most as a girl. He is extremely carefree and friendly. He put on makeup yesterday and I thought that was the funniest thing. Abe hangs out with me and my Japanese friends a lot and enjoys hanging out like I do. Abe always has something to talk about so we are always conversing. All my girl Japanese friends enjoy his company most out of all the other guys and they call him charming. He is the type of person that sings aloud when he wants and laughs almost all the time.

Atsuhiro Suzuki was also in my class last semester but I never had to chance to really talk to him. He is very helpful and polite, but he is also extremely shy. I talk to him frequently making sure he is doing fine because he is very reserved and introverted. Sensei says he is stubborn and hardheaded but I guess she just says that because he took care of him for four years. When we were in Tsushima at the beach, he found a pink shell and gave it to me. Since he is so introverted, everyone has a hard time trying to read and understand him. I feel a lot of sympathy for him and I talk to him frequently to help him converse more often and come out of his shell. It has been more than two weeks, yet he hasn’t loosened up. I have a lot of questions to ask him but sometimes I just feel so rude asking him when he doesn’t want to talk. I hope by the end of this trip he will see me as a good friend that is there for him. I feel bad for him sometimes so I want to help him become more sociable. If he is sociable, I know many people will like him and enjoy his company a lot more. His life will also in turn become more enjoyable and I only wish and hope for the best for him.

Brandon Rabbitt/Usagi is an unfortunate character. I have just recently learned he has severe ADHD and requires medication every day. Sensei told me that when he doesn’t take his medication he becomes a nuisance to everyone but it is unfortunate he doesn’t realize it. At one point he pushed me to the edge and I was just so fed up with him I didn’t want to be his friend anymore. However, yesterday he got severely sick and was constantly throwing up. I just felt really bad for him. He still hasn’t come out of his room this entire day and it has been almost 40 hours. Yesterday he was saying how he wanted to shoot himself/hang himself/etc. I was very shocked to hear these things and didn’t really know how to react. I am not really his friend so what I mean is I did not react as a friend would. Afterwards when I took him, Atsu, Omar, and Eric to the hospital I noticed Usagi had barely spoken a word. He was pushed in a wheelchair but could not be pushed at a regular pace. He was pushed very slowly because if it moved any faster he threw up. Now, I am more sympathetic to him as well. Now, I just feel bad for him.

Omar Galvez is very independent and reserved. He doesn’t sputter much emotion. He is just chill. I think everyone understands that and respects it. I don’t really talk to him as much as I do the other because I haven’t had the chance to get to know him. I just respect him. He is going to UCLA next year. He told me the hardest decision of his life was choosing between UCLA and UC Berkeley. He must be very intelligent. He likes to dance and this is about as much as I know about him. When I see people dancing, I point it out to him and I think seeing these people make him happy. Although he is very small, he exemplifies much maturity.
Kenneth Page is always talking about something or someone. I think he enjoys people and their personality. He laughs a lot and he is clever. He taught us a game called “inky pinky” and basically it takes a lot of knowledge about words to play. He hangs around Tucker a lot and therefore we all seem to have gravitated together and are now known as “the white group,” even though I am not white. Sometimes Ken comes off as being too self-gratuitous. I don’t think he realizes that sometimes he is rude to me because he is just frank enough to say whatever is on his mind. Although what I do like about him is that he lets other people know when good things are being said about them. He has a tendency to shake his legs and scratch his beard a lot and I think this is very silly, but that’s the way he is.

Mariye Takahashi sensei is my sensei and I understand her a lot. She is very open, polite, and respects everyone for their individuality. She doesn’t judge people nor is she prejudice; sometimes she jokes around with it to be funny. She has a big heart and lets us work independently so we can grow. She talked to me a lot about Atsu and how she made a mistake of helping him out so much when she should have just let him be and let him learn himself. She is such a wonderful person and I believe it very much. Atsu used to attend CSU LA but she wanted him to become more immersed with people around him so she transferred him to Cypress College. She tells me Atsu has slowly become more social and even I believe he is much happier now. Sensei does a lot of little things for us and everyone around her and I appreciate every bit of it because it really does pay off. All the things she does and has done has built up and created a wonderful system. Sensei is a wonderful person and she deserves the good things the world has to offer her.

I don’t like my brother. Period. For most of the trip I tried to ignore all the shit he has done and be the bigger person. I am still the bigger person but I don’t let the shit he’s done seem like nothing. I just plainly don’t like him. He has changed and I will only do my part to please my mother and father, but if it were any other way, he is on his own.

The other people I have met and became good friends with so far are Ikumi Hashimoto, Hiroki Iwamoto, and Hiromi Johnson. Ikumi is unlike any of the other girls because she never tries to be anything she isn’t. She is herself. She is kind, big-hearted, and cheerful. When I first met her the first day of school at Kyushu Sangyo University, she thought I was Japanese and jokingly told me immediately. The other Japanese girls don’t seem to be as honest as Ikumi is because I don’t they would have been as frank or have the courage to admit such a mistake. For the entire welcoming party, Ikumi only talked to me and I to her. She told me I didn’t have to talk with the large groups of people if I didn’t want to and that I would be tired if I did. Honestly, I felt what she did really developed our relationship because we only talked with one another and everyone else just wasn’t part of the picture. I really like her and I think she is a very true friend to me. Hiroki is very kind and friendly to me. He is interested in what I have to say and is also very true to me. I feel that I can spend time with him just doing nothing and he radiates a similar vibe as Rosie and Justin. He is very giving as well and is so optimistic. I enjoy his company a lot but I haven’t had the chance to hang out with him much. He doesn’t feel the need to try to please me or do things for me; he just lets me be on my own and I respect him for that. When I first met Hiromi, he reminded me of Hiroki but a younger version. They have the same personality, the same optimism, and radiate the same vibe as my old friends. I feel like we were friends already even though we had just met. It was comforting to be around such people because they reminded me of home; they reminded me of the same comfort and the same relaxation I feel when I am around my long time friends. When I am around them, all I want to do is stay home, talk, eat and drink, watch movies, and just joke around and have fun. The whole time I was in Tsushima I kept thinking to myself that Robert would have loved to have him as a younger brother and they could be great buddies.

I think of home often, and I think of Robert more often. I miss him every day, I think about him every day, and I am always looking forward to seeing his face and hearing his voice. When we talk sometimes and an argument or misunderstand occurs, I become scared that he will leave me. I have always hoped and still do hope that we will be happy together for a long, long time. I always think about us in the future, having a family, and just being pleased with life and each other. I get sad every time some misunderstanding arises because I start to think about these things and I am scared to lose what we have. We both understand that things can change and people can change, but for now I just want us to be happy for what we already have and be optimistic and hope for the best for us in the future. I believe that going on this trip has put us in a situation where we have to work hard for one another and it has really tested the strength of our relationship. I feel that we still have a strong love and no matter what, we will always love each other dearly. I know this in my heart and this is what keeps me going on and what keeps me optimistic. Our paths make this relationship feel unsteady but I know we can always work through it. I love you Robert Do, no matter what happens.

Forever and always, Jennifer Y. Nguyen<3

06/15/2010

Today is the first full day coming back to Fukuoka. Over the weekend we had gone to Tsushima. It is an island off of the coast of Kyushu and was about a ten minute airplane ride. The first day we arrived in Tsushima was Saturday in the afternoon. The Japanese temple my sensei had planned for us to stay at was an unexpected place. It was beautiful, spacious, and almost dreamy. I felt like the temple was built with specific intent, that every little thing was carefully planned and thought out. There were beautiful zen gardens situated in a complicated design; one was located right in the center and many other as scenery outside our windows. Even the pitch of a small waterfall at work made the atmosphere into complete zen stature. The temple was a good three stories tall and each pair of us was allotted our own spacious room. I was rooming with my sensei again and we had a room on the third story all the way inside the house. Even more so, there were good-sized wash areas located outside in the home. The Buddhist shrine took up the entire center of the house. Amazingly, all the living and dining area fitted onto only the right side of the entire temple.

When we were touring the temple, the monk Seiko introduced us to a young boy named Brandon/Hiroki. At first from his attire I knew he played soccer and from his dark skin tone I immediately judged him to be a regular Guam Spaniard, but he was almost entirely Japanese with ¼ mixture of American. Not South American, just regular American. It is still difficult for me to consider him Japanese because he is nothing typical of a Japanese person nor does he resemble obvious likeness to a Japanese descent. Seiko-san the monk told us Hiromi was his disciple, and he was from Guam and he was to stay for one month. Although he was only 15 years old, I felt he was very mature to be living in a temple with only Seiko-san the monk for one entire month doing mostly Zen meditation and living a humble life. For me, I think it would have been a very difficult decision to shield myself away from my friends and family to live in humble solitude. I guess I was naturally drawn to him because I felt a sort of empathetic understanding for his situation and I wanted to be his good friend especially for the time I was here.

There is a “jungle cat” as Hiromi calls it that visits the temple quite often. Her name is Meiko. Now that I think about it, I believe the monk gave her this name himself because it is similar to his own name, Seiko-san. The temple is also home to a cemetery in its own backyard. I feel that this isn’t ordinary of a temple, but nevertheless it was somehow very mysterious and there was something magically compelling about it that struck me with much awe. The temple was just so unbelievably breathtaking, it took my heart to heaven. If I ever had the chance to, I would build a home with as much vivacious vitality and compelling beauty as this temple.

The last day before I left to Japan, I spent it with Robert. I just wanted to be with him for as long as possible. I spent the night with him playing games, watching movies, and cuddling together. It was the best feeling in the world lying beside him as we talked. We left to go eat at M&M’s and got the delicious tuna croissant and apple fritter. We ate, talked, and watched memorable videos from his phone. There were videos from the first days we had been together, and it was so long ago. Thinking back, Robert and I have gone such a long way and it makes me so happy that we are still happy together. I hope we continue to be strong despite my leaving to Japan for a month. I LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH AND I HAVE SO MANY PLANS FOR US IN THE FUTURE.

After sleeping for three hours, I got ready for my departure. I called Robert to come over and afterwards we picked up my friend ATSUHIRO SUZUKI, aka Atsu, who lives in Japan. The drive was pretty quick, but after checking in I had only about 15 minutes before I had to board. I said goodbye to my family, and to Robert but I didn’t get to say goodbye to him the way I wanted to and the way he deserved because my family was there. I wanted to smother him in kisses and hold him so tight, and tell him I love him dearly and that I will always be there for him. I want him to know that this distance will only make us stronger.

The plane ride was about 11 hours. I avoided eating the airplane food as much as I could and drink lots of water because I didn’t want to get plumped up due to high sodium intake. It was embarrassing asking for so much water but I think it was worth it. The airplane food was pretty crappy, except when they gave me a banana. I have been craving fruits for the longest time, even in Japan. I never missed cheap fruit or free water so much. Anyway, when we got to Narita Airport in Tokyo, the first thing I had was Starbucks and it was sooo delicious, more expensive than in America. I got my JR rail pass and we took the SHINKANSEN (JR Bullet Train) to IKEBUKURO which was about two hours. From there we headed to our hotel, SUNSHINE CITY PRINCE HOTEL. There was some trouble checking in, so by the time we were settled it was 8pm Tuesday night. That night, Atsu took us out to eat RAMEN courtesy of his parents ($10 per person x 9 people = hefty price). I told him not to get me any because I wouldn’t finish it but he said it was fine and I didn’t have to. The ramen was very greasy with tons of bacon and some pork slices. It was good the first few bites, but after that I couldn’t eat anymore because it was so overwhelming. After that, we all explored the area. From what I saw, all the workers were teenagers yelling out things and giving out free tissue. The area was bright at night and everything opened late.

The next day, we headed to TOKYO! We were supposed to have sushi for breakfast at the famous FISH MARKET, but it seemed the budget cuts had made Wednesdays a regular holiday. Instead, we browsed around the area and ate at whatever eatery we wanted. I chose to eat SOBA UDON with squid tempura. It was very much worth it. We walked around the Tokyo area and used the JR to head to the EMPEROR’S PALACE. I saw this awesome blue VESPA and took a picture of it for Robert. At the Emperor’s palace, we weren’t allowed to go in and we didn’t stay for very long. Next, we went to the EDO-TOKYO MUSEUM which showcased everything relating to Tokyo in the old days. There were many miniature replicas of Edo-Tokyo homes that showed what the homes were like on the inside. There were many ancient artifacts including a large temple bell made thousands of years ago. In one home, I saw a beautiful shrine and it was placed near the ceiling, which was a very unique place to put it.

After that, the group split into two. Takahashi sensei’s feet were hurting and she decided to go back to the hotel to rest. Meanwhile, one half of the group wanted to go to AKIHABARA, a famous electronic area. Atsu did not want to go to the area because it was a cheap and dirty area. Instead he wanted to stick to the schedule and head to ASAKUSA and visit the temple. I went with Atsu because I trusted him more and I didn’t want to get lost or have a head time getting back to the hotel. Before we went to Asakusa, we decided to rest our feet at a local café. After that we arrived at the temple area and there was a street market that led directly to the temple. Near the end of the street market before Asakusa temple, we all tried our luck at OMIKUJI, a fortune telling. I got number 55 “regular fortune” and two other people got “bad fortune.” Sensei laughed at them later asking, “Why would you pay to feel bad?!” I unintentionally tied my fortune away thinking that was what we were supposed to do, but you only do that if you don’t want it to stay with you. Later on however, I tried another fortune at Inari and got the best fortune. Asakusa had purifying smoke and purifying water for the visitors to enjoy. Later, Atsu treated us to ODANGO and again I told him not to buy me it because I wouldn’t eat it all. I think sooner or later he’ll end up not buying me anything. JK! Atsu is too nice to do such a thing. Takahashi sensei was talking about how Atsu used to be a rebel and stay home all day playing games, but now he has changed into a very nice boy. Sometimes I think he apologizes too much though, for things he doesn’t really need to. Haha. After Asakusa temple, our group went to HARAJUKU. We were all pretty tired so we didn’t really explore the area. It was mostly just shopping and crepes. We went back to Ikebukuro at joined Atsu as he shopped for books. My shoulders were killing me and I was dying to get back to the hotel. It was about 7pm when I got back and I knocked out.

I woke up at 5am and started getting ready to check out and head to KYOTO. We took the Shinkansen and after many hours got to our hotel, NEW MIYAKO HOTEL, to head out once again. Sensei took us to INARI TEMPLE, and it is famous for the large orange structural monuments that display different wishes from different people that have come true. There were hundreds, maybe thousands of them! At one area, people can buy fox wood blocks and write their own wishes. Near there was OMOKARUISHI that read “If you felt this rock is light you will get your wish.” At first I thought it was hard, but as I lifted it more, it felt lighter. At Inari Temple is also where I got the best fortune you could get, which is number 31. After getting back to our hotel, we all went out to eat ramen, but this was recommended to us by a Japanese man who spoke fluent English to us. I wish I had gotten the name of the shop; it seemed like a small mom-n-pop shop and who would have known they would have the best ramen you could eat in Kyoto! I got the regular ramen and the soup base was a delicious thick egg taste. The meat and noodles combined with the soup did it so much justice. I recommend this place as well! After eating, we went to AEON MALL, shopped at KOHSU SUPERMARKET, and played in the arcade. The arcade machine had many interesting things inside like chocolate, stuffed animals, panda bear chocolate cookies, and various other goodies. I saw TAIKO and I had to take a picture to show Robert! Cars in Japan are similar to the toy one I got inside of; they are extremely narrow and sleek. Anyway, the rest of the group headed back and I stayed behind to look for a shirt to wear for tomorrow but I didn’t get to since the mall started to close. This hotel was much nicer than the Sunshine City Prince Hotel, and the view was refreshing. Internet access was provided at this hotel, which made me extremely happy because I got the chance to upload all my pictures for everyone, especially Robert, to see. I emailed him, posted the pictures, and finally signed up for Worldwide Roaming so I could finally text Robert (after a 24 hour wait period). I wanted to update him on livejournal as well but I got extremely drowsy and just knocked out.

This is going to be my first post in a long while. I wish I put some time out each other day to write about what's been going on in my life. I bet that would have toned down the stress tremendously. Anyway, my semester is almost over but these next few weeks will just be all studying and I have to be focused. I have been managing great grades but if I slack off even just once then all that would have been for nothing. I am juggling a lot of classes and I admit I haven't managed my time wisely. I still have the habit of working under pressure the last minute. I just can't help it because I actually work a lot faster and efficiently that way, without wasting time. I hope to spend a lot of time with Robert and everyone before I leave to Japan. I am both excited and sad about this trip. Sad because I won't be able to see Robert and everyone for a month. I'm also scared because I'm not confident about my brother's current condition and who knows what will happen overseas? What will I do if something happens? My professors might not trust in me anymore. On the contrary, if nothing goes wrong then I will have a pleasant stay there. I hope my Japanese improves a lot because I am forging out 4k for this trip. That chunk of money is being carved out from my mom's funds and I need to pay her back in the future so this trip hopefully will be worth it.

Lately, a part of me wants to rebel. I want get that tattoo I've been patiently waiting years for. I want to be able to freely have a smoke when I feel the need to. I want to starve myself and people be understanding about it. My body image is in the dumps. It feels like every girl is better than me. My whole life seems like a wanton joke.

I've been feeling like I'm falling apart. I wasn't the pretty and popular girl as I used to be. Aside from the current people I hang out with, I feel that a lot of people have forgotten about me. I don't have any real friends that I can actually talk to and feel that they care. A lot of people I have been close to are almost strangers to me. I don't think they miss me or anything. I feel replaceable. I wish I could develop a knit of my own friends that are there for me and such. My whole life it has never been like that. Even my best friends had a better best friend. Dreadful, really. I used to be the girl that everyone knew but was never really close to. Most of my friends don't understand my life, what I have been through, and how that has shaped me. They assume I am just some party girl who's influenced badly... yet those same people are doing what I did years ago and feel okay with it. But, they wish to be ignorant and they don't want to recall how horrible they made me feel back when they criticized me for my actions. I don't say a word about this hypocrisy to them because they will never come to agree with my perspective.

But, life is unfair and I have come to understand that. Cheers.

I made a tumblr. It is http://jenniferynguyen.tumblr.com/

Today, I went to Westminster Mall with my sister to buy shoes at CutesyGirl and luckily they had a "buy one, get one 50% off" sale. I got really cute booties and so did my sister.

These are the ones I got. Super cute and comfy.


My sister got these. Valerie owes me money, also.


Afterward, I went to eat Pho Vinh Ky II with Robert's family and his aunt/uncle/cousins. I ordered pho tai, tai rien, tem han yam (vinegar/pickled onions). It was pretty delicious, but I made it extra spicy this time. It was taking too long to eat the hot lava, so I gave the rest of it to Robert. We got Vietnamese yogurt/cane sugar drink after the meal. Then, Christmas Tree shopping. They found the freshest and best priced one at Home Depot. It was a mission to bring home and stand it straight. I really want to help decorate! I wish my phone had a camera, too. For the rest of the night, I spent it cuddling with my lover. I will never get tired of that. We had a talk before I went home. He is one very understanding boyfriend and I appreciate it so very much.

A lot has happened these past weeks that I have not been blogging, but wish I did. I will keep doing that. This past week, I have been adapting to the "Behavior Modification Plan" Robert received from his AP Psychology teacher. I have been doing very well until this weekend. I seem to be slipping away but have at least caught myself. I have a lot to say, but oddly enough it is stuck at the back of my head.

This is my cute mom at the Queen Mary for her agency's Christmas celebration.


Here are some cool pictures of my Christmas trees.








Until then, toodles.

Renato Ferreira by Greg Vaughan


The tan line reminds me of someone's in particular.. ;D yumm.